Visit Part 1 of My Story here.
Moving on to Part 2...
Surrender. This is, without a doubt, one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. Because in my world, surrender has always felt forced. It's like being pushed outside into the cold, frigid, air without a coat to cover up with. It's harsh and brutal and all you can think about is surrounding yourself with warmth and comfort; getting back to the safety of what you know. Surrender is giving in, handing-over, often when we don't want to. It's waiving the inevitable white flag and saying, please, Lord, take this from me.
Every time I tried to pull away and return to my island of make believe, I was choosing the very opposite of surrender. I was desperately holding on, like those cartoon characters you see hanging over a dangerous cliff, with their hands slipping and slipping until finally - release. My surrender was similar, except it wasn't a cliff or even my make believe island anymore. My so-called safety net no longer existed; it had been destroyed. I now needed to live in full acceptance of who I was, for the first time in a long time. I needed to hand over my make-believe-self to the light of truth. It wouldn't look the same, no, but that was the whole point.
After all, letting go always opens the old door to a new one.
But let me tell you this...my new door was an absolutely frightening one. It was a door which led me directly to the Mt. Pleasant Correction Facility for Women in Mt. Pleasant, IA. And it was at that precise moment when I stepped off the island of make-believe for the last time. There was no looking back. I had been spending and stealing on my secret island for six years. I left my security because I was literally forced to surrender, by God's very own hand. He knew it was time to intervene; He knew I had had enough. And upon surrendering, He led me to the path I had constructed for all those years. Along it, there were huge boulders of hurt and disappointment standing in my way, and I wanted to walk around them like I had done before, but God stopped me and said, These, Lindsay...it's time to give these the attention they deserve. So I sat down beside them and I deeply mourned for the people I had dismissed and discarded, for their feelings I had tossed aside. I looked behind me and noticed for the first time how damaged my path really looked; how the storm that was my life had destroyed virtually everything in it's path.
When I was finally ready to move forward, I stood up on shaky legs and a with shattered heart. God placed His loving hand on my shoulder and assured me He would be with me every step of the way.
And I was never more terrified.